There are many mentions of my baby girl here but not too much about my big girl. She is equally as gorgeous, funny and precious as her little sister.
Last year was awful for Jess. Until then she had always been this easy going, incredibly happy child who drew no attention to herself but carried on happily regardless of what happened. Last year that changed. She was miserable, crying, had seperation anxiety, you name it, she had it. Never, even at developmentally appropriate stages did she have seperation anxiety. In the shops she was the smiling baby. She smiled at everyone.(then her sister came along and Chloe has perfected this death stare to strangers..polar opposites are my girls in many ways) So this was new for us, and very strange.
She hated school...also strange. She didn't want to be there, she refused to do homework, life was tough.
She had teacher problems. I think personality problems between her and her teacher. He didn't want to acknowledge there was a problem. We met him again and again with no help given. So we looked for help outside the school and saw a great psychologist who really helped us get things clear in our heads. Once she was involved school suddenly became more helpful. We needed some plans for this year put into place. School really worked out how to make this year better. The teacher from last year now teaches somewhere else.
And our happy girl is back :) All is good in my world when my girls are happy.
She has a lovely lovely teacher who Jess really likes. Jess is now being extended academically as well. There is quiet reading time in the class each day (my big girls idea of heaven, just like her mum) and she is thriving. No more nervous signs, no more tears, in fact on Fridays she says "I can't wait till Monday to go back to school". My heart is a lot lighter this year. The sunshiney smiley girl is back. My biggest princess is happy and laughing and loving learning. We are so so proud of what she coped with last year, soul strengthening and now we know we can cope with school issues.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The boss of the world
Well that is what Chloe thinks she is I think. She is so very funny about things. She also thinks that she can make the rules...
The other day Greg finished work a little early(like 4.45pm instead of 6pm) so he could actually spend proper time with the girls instead of just the bath/dinner/bed madness that exists in many houses all over the world. He drives into the driveway, Chloe runs into me and says "Mummy, Daddy's home to play with me". I said "sweetheart Daddy has just finished a long day of mowing lawns and he just needs to sit down for a while before he plays with you" She glares at me, rolls her eyes and says "No Mummy he already sat down when he was driving home, that's enough sitting, now it's playing time" How do you argue with that ??? Isn't childhood magical, when all you think you need to do is play ?
Our girls are very lucky, and so am I. Greg is a fantastic involved Dad who doesn't want to miss a moment of the childhood magic or madness. He got out of his ute, covered in dirt and grass, walked inside gave me a kiss and went out and played with the girls with no complaint.
The other day Greg finished work a little early(like 4.45pm instead of 6pm) so he could actually spend proper time with the girls instead of just the bath/dinner/bed madness that exists in many houses all over the world. He drives into the driveway, Chloe runs into me and says "Mummy, Daddy's home to play with me". I said "sweetheart Daddy has just finished a long day of mowing lawns and he just needs to sit down for a while before he plays with you" She glares at me, rolls her eyes and says "No Mummy he already sat down when he was driving home, that's enough sitting, now it's playing time" How do you argue with that ??? Isn't childhood magical, when all you think you need to do is play ?
Our girls are very lucky, and so am I. Greg is a fantastic involved Dad who doesn't want to miss a moment of the childhood magic or madness. He got out of his ute, covered in dirt and grass, walked inside gave me a kiss and went out and played with the girls with no complaint.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Made us laugh
At dinner tonight Chloe made Greg and I laugh. We were talking about school. This is Jess's third year of school, Chloe has come along to do most drop offs and pick ups. She is aware that her sister goes to school 5 days a week. Well so we thought anyway. She says" Did you know some people go to school 5 days a week and stay there all day long, why would you ever do that"
I am not sure as to where she thinks Jess is from 9 till 3 each weekday :)
I am not sure as to where she thinks Jess is from 9 till 3 each weekday :)
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Just so you know
It does not get any easier for her to be sick as time goes on.
Just because she is used to feeling so awful it does not mean it isn't awful that she feels that way.
Giving your child lots of medication every day does not mean that adding a new one to the mix must be simple.
Yes she has had lots of blood tests. No she still hates it. It is not easier now she is older. When she was little it was easier. (I can't believe I just said that) Now she gets so so angry and I can't blame her. With each traumatic medical procedure it is harder and harder.
No we are not used to sleep deprevation. If we were then people world over would be used to it, and be fine with it. They're not and we're surely not. I don't think you ever ever can be. You now live in a foggy world where you hope that you make the right judgement call while you are utterly exausted.
We will not ever let her know this but with each new thing that happens to her our hearts are a little more broken. We are supposed to protect her and this is out of our hands. The cracks will heal over for sure, we are lucky, she is here and gorgeous and funny and precious, but the cracks once healed will leave tiny scars. This all makes it possible for us to fight the good fight for her but oh my goodess it is exausting and scary, each and every day right now .
Just because she is used to feeling so awful it does not mean it isn't awful that she feels that way.
Giving your child lots of medication every day does not mean that adding a new one to the mix must be simple.
Yes she has had lots of blood tests. No she still hates it. It is not easier now she is older. When she was little it was easier. (I can't believe I just said that) Now she gets so so angry and I can't blame her. With each traumatic medical procedure it is harder and harder.
No we are not used to sleep deprevation. If we were then people world over would be used to it, and be fine with it. They're not and we're surely not. I don't think you ever ever can be. You now live in a foggy world where you hope that you make the right judgement call while you are utterly exausted.
We will not ever let her know this but with each new thing that happens to her our hearts are a little more broken. We are supposed to protect her and this is out of our hands. The cracks will heal over for sure, we are lucky, she is here and gorgeous and funny and precious, but the cracks once healed will leave tiny scars. This all makes it possible for us to fight the good fight for her but oh my goodess it is exausting and scary, each and every day right now .
Friday, February 22, 2008
High heels
No not mine....Here is a terrible confession...I am short...like quite short and I should love heels as they would make my height somewhat average. But I don't like heels, I am far far too uncoordinated to wear high heels. I lust after some womens shoes and the flair they show in wearing them...but the simple fact is that I would be the woman in heels who would walk into a place..and fall flat on her face. Even on my wedding day my shoes were kicked off. I blame my Darwin upbringing...we didn't wear shoes let alone ones with heels.
So this story of high heels belongs to my stylish 5 year old. At preschool her best friends are wearing high heels...yes sad to say one pair is higher than any I have owned. So as girls do Chloe is yearning for her own. Summer sales are on and high heels are on special. So off we went today, to go show shopping. We compared the glitter, the glam, and the plainer ones and now my daughter owns a pair of pink Barbie high heels....Aaah she will be a fun teenager. :)
So this story of high heels belongs to my stylish 5 year old. At preschool her best friends are wearing high heels...yes sad to say one pair is higher than any I have owned. So as girls do Chloe is yearning for her own. Summer sales are on and high heels are on special. So off we went today, to go show shopping. We compared the glitter, the glam, and the plainer ones and now my daughter owns a pair of pink Barbie high heels....Aaah she will be a fun teenager. :)
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Sorry...February 13th 2008
Today was an incredible milestone in Australia's history. I could go on about it but I think Kevin Rudd's words say more than enough. I will say today I am proud to be Australian. Here is what our Prime Minister said.
Today we honour the Indigenous peoples of this land, the oldest continuing cultures in human history.
We reflect on their past mistreatment.
We reflect in particular on the mistreatment of those who were Stolen Generations – this blemished chapter in our nation’s history.
The time has now come for the nation to turn a new page in Australia’s history by righting the wrongs of the past and so moving forward with confidence to the future.
We apologise for the laws and policies of successive Parliaments and governments that have inflicted profound grief, suffering and loss on these our fellow Australians.
We apologise especially for the removal of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children from their families, their communities and their country.
For the pain, suffering and hurt of these Stolen Generations, their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry.
To the mothers and fathers, the brothers and sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry.
And for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry.
We the Parliament of Australia respectfully request that this apology be received in the spirit in which it is offered as part of the healing of the nation.
For the future we take heart; resolving that this new page in the history of our great continent can now be written.
We today take this first step by acknowledging the past and laying claim to a future that embraces all Australian.
A future where this Parliament resolves that the injustices of the past must never, never happen again.
A future where we harness the determination of all Australians, Indigenous and non-Indigenous, to close the gap that lies between us in life expectancy, educational achievement and economic opportunity.
A future where we embrace the possibility of new solutions to enduring problems where old approaches have changed.
A future based on mutual respect, mutual resolve and mutual responsibility.
A future where all Australians, whatever their origins, are truly equal partners, with equal opportunities and with an equal stake in shaping the next chapter in the history of this great country.
Today we honour the Indigenous peoples of this land, the oldest continuing cultures in human history.
We reflect on their past mistreatment.
We reflect in particular on the mistreatment of those who were Stolen Generations – this blemished chapter in our nation’s history.
The time has now come for the nation to turn a new page in Australia’s history by righting the wrongs of the past and so moving forward with confidence to the future.
We apologise for the laws and policies of successive Parliaments and governments that have inflicted profound grief, suffering and loss on these our fellow Australians.
We apologise especially for the removal of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children from their families, their communities and their country.
For the pain, suffering and hurt of these Stolen Generations, their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry.
To the mothers and fathers, the brothers and sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry.
And for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry.
We the Parliament of Australia respectfully request that this apology be received in the spirit in which it is offered as part of the healing of the nation.
For the future we take heart; resolving that this new page in the history of our great continent can now be written.
We today take this first step by acknowledging the past and laying claim to a future that embraces all Australian.
A future where this Parliament resolves that the injustices of the past must never, never happen again.
A future where we harness the determination of all Australians, Indigenous and non-Indigenous, to close the gap that lies between us in life expectancy, educational achievement and economic opportunity.
A future where we embrace the possibility of new solutions to enduring problems where old approaches have changed.
A future based on mutual respect, mutual resolve and mutual responsibility.
A future where all Australians, whatever their origins, are truly equal partners, with equal opportunities and with an equal stake in shaping the next chapter in the history of this great country.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Valentines Day
Gorgeous girls say gorgeous things :) Greg and I decided no presents for each other, we are so sleep deprived at the moment that anything that requires thought is bad news. But the girls decided that we should all give cards to each other which is mighty sweet. So I snuck into KMart and bought a cat card for Jess, a dog card for Chloe and a gerbra plant for Greg with three flowers, one for each of his girls (yes I know I know...)
Anyway at dinner time I gave them their cards from us and we all gave Greg his plant. After dinner Chloe disappeared into the toy room with shouted instructions of not to come in. She came back in with a beautiful love heart homemade card. She says "mummy this is for you as you were the only one who didn't get something at dinner time". Yes the mummy tears welled up and I once again realised that my life truly is great.
Anyway at dinner time I gave them their cards from us and we all gave Greg his plant. After dinner Chloe disappeared into the toy room with shouted instructions of not to come in. She came back in with a beautiful love heart homemade card. She says "mummy this is for you as you were the only one who didn't get something at dinner time". Yes the mummy tears welled up and I once again realised that my life truly is great.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Rain
Rain, go away...please. The weather has such an influence on my feelings. I could never live in London, or even Melbourne as I NEED my sunshine (yes imagine me stomping my feet when I say that...I have had the world's best teachers...)
We have had more rain this year than I remember. And although I do love it, it's what pays our bills after all and I do welcome the lush green grass and the gorgeous green trees, I just wish it would stop for a little while.
I grew up in Darwin and have such fond memories of splashing in the puddles, running through the huge drops and being enveloped in the humidity that came before the monsoonal rains. Rain here is not quite like that. It is colder, and more dismal and just not so much fun. I remember moving to Perth and being away from my northern skies for the first time. That winter when I travelled to school and wore my uniform and tie and blazer and stockings, things that never were in my wardrobe previously, I came home one days with dripping wet stockings, shoes in hand and freezing cold feet. You can take the girl out of the Territory but you can't take the Territory out of the girl.
I wish for warm rain mixed with sunshine , I don't ask for much do I ???
We have had more rain this year than I remember. And although I do love it, it's what pays our bills after all and I do welcome the lush green grass and the gorgeous green trees, I just wish it would stop for a little while.
I grew up in Darwin and have such fond memories of splashing in the puddles, running through the huge drops and being enveloped in the humidity that came before the monsoonal rains. Rain here is not quite like that. It is colder, and more dismal and just not so much fun. I remember moving to Perth and being away from my northern skies for the first time. That winter when I travelled to school and wore my uniform and tie and blazer and stockings, things that never were in my wardrobe previously, I came home one days with dripping wet stockings, shoes in hand and freezing cold feet. You can take the girl out of the Territory but you can't take the Territory out of the girl.
I wish for warm rain mixed with sunshine , I don't ask for much do I ???
Tantrums
Once upon a time I saw other people's children yelling and crying in public places and thought control them. I saw older kids misbehaving and thought, so undisciplined....I thought parents could control their children....
Then I became a parent and oh my goodness...guess what...my children are those children sometimes...To be honest I am lucky...My girls certainly know their own minds but big public tantrums are not their scene...normally. Why then does the two most public tantrums Chloe has ever had, have to have been at school picking up Jess. Oh my...the perfect mother brigade is out in force...their children never behave like that. Thanks to my friend though who knowingly looked at me, and said thank goodness my child isn't the only one who does it. Yes the empathy of motherhood is there...sometimes....I really am not fond of schoolyard politics at the best of times. I don't do large groups of women well...they scare me to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I have some great girlfriends but I don't do bitchy, and I don't do whingy (this blog shows otherwise I know) and I don't buy into the competitiveness that surrounds school. So I am probably ultrasensitive about tantrums at school. Hopefully never to be repeated hey :)
Then I became a parent and oh my goodness...guess what...my children are those children sometimes...To be honest I am lucky...My girls certainly know their own minds but big public tantrums are not their scene...normally. Why then does the two most public tantrums Chloe has ever had, have to have been at school picking up Jess. Oh my...the perfect mother brigade is out in force...their children never behave like that. Thanks to my friend though who knowingly looked at me, and said thank goodness my child isn't the only one who does it. Yes the empathy of motherhood is there...sometimes....I really am not fond of schoolyard politics at the best of times. I don't do large groups of women well...they scare me to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I have some great girlfriends but I don't do bitchy, and I don't do whingy (this blog shows otherwise I know) and I don't buy into the competitiveness that surrounds school. So I am probably ultrasensitive about tantrums at school. Hopefully never to be repeated hey :)
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
My poor neighbours
Their ears must hurt with the sound of my girls shrieking. Please tell me other people's children make as much noise as ours. Their volume control is permanently set on EXTRA loud. They play and their yells echo around the yard. Even when they are playing well they yell...and when they fight...oh my...even louder (who would have thought that was even possible) They go to sleep in seperate rooms and yell at each other....
I may complain but I do know..the only thing worse than the sound of noise is the sound of silence...no happy (or sad) children's voices...I am lucky to have so much noise. (But please, pass the wine, it is definately wine o'clock)
I may complain but I do know..the only thing worse than the sound of noise is the sound of silence...no happy (or sad) children's voices...I am lucky to have so much noise. (But please, pass the wine, it is definately wine o'clock)
Friday, February 1, 2008
Hear that noise
It's the sound of my mummy heart breaking a little....
Chloe who is just 5...(imagine a little girl with big brown eyes, sandy blond coloured hair that curls up in the humidity, 1/2 part princess, 1/2 part monster and that is her) has some medical issues. I will fill you in on that later.
She has suddenly reached the part of hey this isn't fair, I am different and I hate it and hey I feel crappy so much of the time. She is angry, sad and so so scared and my mummy heart is breaking just a little. Mummies are supposed to be able to heal hurts with kisses and ice cream and hey ice cream is out as she would stop breathing :) and kisses don't quite cut it anymore either.
You know if I was a little girl and I had 5 specialists to call my own and I had to have allergy tests, blood tests, anaesthetics at times and was on a multitude of very necessary medications and couldn't eat (well except for rice and pears ) you know I would be pretty cranky too...
As an adult I would whine to my husband and reach for a scotch or chocolate or both and still feel sorry for myself and she can't do any of that.
So my baby girl princess....mummy is sorry she can't kiss away the hurt and I am sorry that I have to hold you down for the yucky things that ultimately help you. I love you so so much and am so amazingly proud of your fiesty strong spirit. You and your sister are our sunshine and we love you so.
Chloe who is just 5...(imagine a little girl with big brown eyes, sandy blond coloured hair that curls up in the humidity, 1/2 part princess, 1/2 part monster and that is her) has some medical issues. I will fill you in on that later.
She has suddenly reached the part of hey this isn't fair, I am different and I hate it and hey I feel crappy so much of the time. She is angry, sad and so so scared and my mummy heart is breaking just a little. Mummies are supposed to be able to heal hurts with kisses and ice cream and hey ice cream is out as she would stop breathing :) and kisses don't quite cut it anymore either.
You know if I was a little girl and I had 5 specialists to call my own and I had to have allergy tests, blood tests, anaesthetics at times and was on a multitude of very necessary medications and couldn't eat (well except for rice and pears ) you know I would be pretty cranky too...
As an adult I would whine to my husband and reach for a scotch or chocolate or both and still feel sorry for myself and she can't do any of that.
So my baby girl princess....mummy is sorry she can't kiss away the hurt and I am sorry that I have to hold you down for the yucky things that ultimately help you. I love you so so much and am so amazingly proud of your fiesty strong spirit. You and your sister are our sunshine and we love you so.
Style
Onto something a little less serious....
My five year old has more style than me...sob sob....Really it is not hard and anyone who has known me long enough knows that I am not the girliest girl that has ever walked this earth. And now I live in a house full of pink and purple, and Barbies and Bratz (yes...I am "that" kind of mother) and fairy dresses and hair clips and shoes...plenty of shoes. Life has a funny way of making you laugh at yourself don't you think ?
Anyway Chloe is quite the princess. She also gets dirty, rides her bike too fast, holds worms and adores our dogs no matter how smelly they are. She is quite dog mad. In fact dogs outnumber dolls in her room. She has decided she wants a poodle...Of all the things I am, I am so so not a fan of small and yappie dogs. Give me a "real" dog anyday. Jess read in a book (and yes books are always right) that poodles can bite more than other dogs so she told Chloe that she doesn't want a poodle. I told Chloe I would never want a poodle. And little miss just turned 5 turns to me and says "I love poodles mummy because they have style." ( I tried to look serious as she was deadly serious.) She said "they have a wig on mummy (their long hair) and you can tie bows and ribbons on their hair and then mummy they are full of style." God help me when she is older. She matches her shoes and fills her hair with pretty clips and then goes and rolls around with the dogs. The joy of childhood...it makes my heart smile.
My five year old has more style than me...sob sob....Really it is not hard and anyone who has known me long enough knows that I am not the girliest girl that has ever walked this earth. And now I live in a house full of pink and purple, and Barbies and Bratz (yes...I am "that" kind of mother) and fairy dresses and hair clips and shoes...plenty of shoes. Life has a funny way of making you laugh at yourself don't you think ?
Anyway Chloe is quite the princess. She also gets dirty, rides her bike too fast, holds worms and adores our dogs no matter how smelly they are. She is quite dog mad. In fact dogs outnumber dolls in her room. She has decided she wants a poodle...Of all the things I am, I am so so not a fan of small and yappie dogs. Give me a "real" dog anyday. Jess read in a book (and yes books are always right) that poodles can bite more than other dogs so she told Chloe that she doesn't want a poodle. I told Chloe I would never want a poodle. And little miss just turned 5 turns to me and says "I love poodles mummy because they have style." ( I tried to look serious as she was deadly serious.) She said "they have a wig on mummy (their long hair) and you can tie bows and ribbons on their hair and then mummy they are full of style." God help me when she is older. She matches her shoes and fills her hair with pretty clips and then goes and rolls around with the dogs. The joy of childhood...it makes my heart smile.
Drowning
I feel like I'm drowning at the moment. Drowning in the hopelessness that I can't escape. Drowning in the momentary realisation that I don't know what to do right now in my parenting journey.
Of all the things in the world I know I can do..one is certain. I am a good mother. I work really hard at being a good mother, and although I am human and do make mistakes I am pretty sure that my mistakes will not be remembered by my children. I laugh, I let them laugh, I pretend, I give them space, but security. Freedom but routine. Love..unconditional love. We don't smack and we don't go in for humiliation and punishment either. Until now I have felt good about what we do. but now, right now I could cry. I am floundering. I don't know what my heart says, and all my head says is that I am too tired to think.
Parenting a child with additional needs is bloody hard work. We chose to keep her home from school this year, and I think we have made the wrong decision. There....there lies the truth...Up until now my mummy heart has made the right choices and now I think we chose wrong.
Of all the things in the world I know I can do..one is certain. I am a good mother. I work really hard at being a good mother, and although I am human and do make mistakes I am pretty sure that my mistakes will not be remembered by my children. I laugh, I let them laugh, I pretend, I give them space, but security. Freedom but routine. Love..unconditional love. We don't smack and we don't go in for humiliation and punishment either. Until now I have felt good about what we do. but now, right now I could cry. I am floundering. I don't know what my heart says, and all my head says is that I am too tired to think.
Parenting a child with additional needs is bloody hard work. We chose to keep her home from school this year, and I think we have made the wrong decision. There....there lies the truth...Up until now my mummy heart has made the right choices and now I think we chose wrong.
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