Madness...and bitterness

Words can't really describe the last two weeks. What I will say is there were moments in it we never ever want to repeat. Chloe was back in hospital for IV antibiotics. She was really quite sick and so inserting a drip was nigh on impossible. So after 4 trys on the ward we needed to go to theatre. Words I never wish we had agreed to. She was going to have a PICC line in. These are basically a semi permanant drip that last up to 6 weeks. They remove the need for reinserting cannulas often. Now normally these are quite a straightforward thing. Our princess doesn't do things easily though. They couldn't insert one in either arm or one leg. Finally they got one in to her left leg. So what was supposed to be 20 mins in theatre was nearly 1 hour and 20 mins. One anxious mummy waiting outside. One anxious daddy and big sister waiting upstairs. Finally they called me into recovery. There they informed me that they found in nearly impossible to get the line in. So I then held a hysterical little girl begging to go home. At that moment I wished I could wave a magic wand and take her home. In retrospect I wish Friday never happened at all. So up to the ward we go and settle her down for the night. Greg and Jess left after Greg and I saying out of hearing of the girls that that was our worst parenting day ever. She was covered in deep bruises from theatre, bruises that only now 2 weeks on are fading. Emotionally the bruises that came from this and the following few days will probably never disappear from our lives.

I'd still pick you baby

Ten years have passed since I became your wife. Ten years since I walked down the aisle and became a Mrs. Ten years of love, laughter and tears. We have seen too much this last year, and you are the reason I have come out the other side semi human.
You are the most amazing person I have met. You have to be pretty amazing to have lived with me for so long. To see you with our girls is magical every time. You make me laugh every single day. You are patient, kind and generous. Thank you for making my life so full. I love you baby and I would still pick you...xxxx

Funny girls

Say funny things. Last night I said to Chloe "you and I have a date tomorrow for some physio" She looks at me and says "that's not a date" I say "well what is a date " She says "A date is when you go out together" I'm like "You are 5, how do you know what a date is" Then Jess comes waltzing in, "I told her you know" Again over to me" You are 8, how do you know " With her hands on her hips, she flicks her hair back and says "Hello, I read magazines you know"

She's too cute

I have said before that my girls and I are lucky. The main man in our lives is amazing. I love him more now than I did years ago and I am so so lucky to share my journey through life with him...Now I have made everyone feel ill I'll continue.

Chloe has moments of being such a daddy's girl. Daddy is fun and she loves fun. Greg took her to preschool today and spent some time there. Not many dad's get or take the chance so she loves it when he can. So this afternoon when he came home she climbed up into his lap for a big snuggle with her favourite man in the world. Later on she asked (ok whinged) about wanting him to do something fun with her. So he said he'd play one game of Mousetrap. So she said "daddy we only need one chair, I'll sit on your lap" Greg said "Thanks Chloe but we should sit on our own chairs next to each other"(Between you and me a wiggly worm on a lap to play a game isn't too much fun). So then she says "Ok Daddy but I might have to accidentally give you a cuddle" How cute is that :)

Lock up your library books

There is apparently a library book thief about. Can you believe it ? Jess certainly can.

Our darling eldest daughter has a messy room. To say she has a messy room is like saying Michael Phelps is an ok swimmer, or the West Coast Eagles are having an ordinary season. Her library books were due back last week. When I asked her to find them she oh so dramatically announced she couldn't possibly do that. When we further encouraged her to look, she went in there, stood among the mess and said they are not here. When further questioned she said there is no point looking they are not there. Why we asked. Because a thief broke in and stole them. When Greg asked her why a thief would ignore our wallets she answered "because the thief only likes reading " as if we were mighty stupid. So lock up your library books, there is a cunning thief about. There is also a mighty fine 8 year old storyteller and I know which one is scarier :) :)

I should know better

Than to say out loud that she is doing ok....That's all.

Spinning

Around and around I go. Trying to balance normal with abnormal. I never realised how much the small things impact when things are going badly. The overeaction to a small thing that would never have happened. The total loss of clarity in almost all aspects of my life. The feeling in my head that echoes throughout my day.

Again

The disturbed sleep. The paleness. The exaustion. The breathlessness and the dizziness. The temperature. The visit to the gp. The we need to treat it a little more agressively. The feeling that we are getting no where fast. The sheer terror I feel when I realise that this may be our reality for the whole of winter. The god awful feeling in my stomach when I realise our baby girl is so sick. The isolation, both real and imagined. The struggle to cope with day to day life without checking on her constantly. The wish that she feels better soon. We love you princess xxx

Catch up

Another hospital stay. An incredibly bad hospital stay. Some funny stories though. Our 5 year old made a cardiology registrar throw a tantrum...very very funny. Last hospital stay she cut through her IV line.
We met the Brisbane Broncos. Chloe charmed one of them into our room and she coyly waved at him. Then 5 or so others came in. The irony, I have never watched a game of rugby league in my life. I had NO idea who these men were and it was so so wasted on us LOL.
The bad things. The way we were treated. The fact that I was treated as a naughty little girl for voicing my opinion on what was going on. The total disempowering of parents in medical issues that they have lived for years on end.
Enough for now, I will return when I am not so angry about what happened.

Happy birthday gorgeous girl

My big girl was 8 a few days ago. How did that happen ? When did that happen ? She is gorgeous and grown up and clever and funny and serious and caring and flippant and just divine. She had a birthday party at our local bowling alley. There were us, my mum and dad, both my sisters, my nephew and 5 of her friends. Greg's parents came for a while and bought the girls great grandfather who will be 91 later this year. He is so gorgeous with the girls and they are very lucky to have such a special man in their lives. So are we :)
Anyway bowling was great fun. All the girls and Liam, our nephew, had a great time. Lots of noisy giggling and shouting and lots and lots of fun.
For her birthday Jess got lots of Hannah Montana and High School Musical stuff. She also got lots of books. Oh and a purple cat which was from Chloe and her favourite present. Sisters really do know these things it seems. She also got a Veronicas jacket from dear friends of ours. Well she is now the queen of cool. She can alternate it with the High School Musical Jacket from other darling friends. A girls heaven really :)
I can't believe that 8 years ago I had no idea how my love for a child would be so strong. 8 years ago I had no idea I could love my husband more than I did then. There is nothing like seeing the man you love parent your children. Nothing like seeing a tiny baby cradled in big hands. Or a little hand clinging to a daddy hand. Or the laughter that echoes while daddy's play rough. 8 years ago we were so blessed to be given a Jessica to love. You are brave, beautiful, clever and most of all you always bring sunshine to those around you. We love you gorgeous girl. xxxx

Sleeping children

Make a parent's heart sing....no really I do adore my girls but I also enjoy that magic time when there is silence echoing around. My dear husband would say there is no silence and that I make far too much noise all by myself..who'd believe him I ask you ????

Chloe is getting sick again. Her moist cough has decided to return after two weeks of being at home. Her temp is slowly rising and she is getting a little miserable. Even more telling is the fact that she is fast asleep in the lounge room at the moment. She has never fallen asleep in the day time since she was about two...Even when really sick she has battled on. But today she is asleep. She has slept through her daddy coming home early (thank goodness he did, he is now getting Jess). Poor chooky, she deserves a break.

A funny note to the Chloe hospital story. She returned to preschool yesterday for the first time since before the holidays. She was like the prodigal son being welcomed back to the fold. It was so unbelievably gorgeous. As well as her best friend there were other kids, who I don't think she has ever played with much, who were falling all over themselves to help her out. They were doing full body tracings and then painting in the outlined body. Chloe had 5 people wanting to paint with her. So like the missy she is, she sat there saying, yes you can paint my eyes, but only this colour, my clothes must be purple etc etc. It was lovely to see her so so comfortable with being back there. Well as long as mummy was still in eyesight anyway :)

My big princess is my hero at the moment. She has this amazing habit of just getting on with it all despite the chaos that enfolds us right now. She is flying through school, maintaining great friendships and perfecting the pout and hip swings famous to pre teen girls...oh god help us...

Madness, madness, madness

Not a lot of magic here recently. So...Chloe had her procedure. We got the initial results. Then we headed up to Brisbane yet again to see her immunologist. What we needed to talk to her about was left by the wayside as she told us the next lot of results from the bronchoscopy. They did a saline washout of her lungs under GA to see what bugs were there. Well she had mighty impressive ones let me tell you, staph, strep and psuedomonas. So our two week hospital stay happened the next day. Were our heads spinning...you bet and to be honest they still are. Thank goodness for an immunologist who said we could do it closer to home.

The results

Ever since Chloe was born she has had breathing issues. She needed really high levels of oxygen after she was born. So high we weren't even allowed to put our fingers through her humidicrib to touch her as she wouldn't have been able to cope with it.
Then at 6 weeks she got bronchiolitis, which is apparent;y not common so early on in a breastfed baby. She also had a stridor, so she had really really noisy breathing for 2 years. She then was diagnosed with asthma, that goes hand in hand with her allergies.

Since December last year health wise things have fallen apart for her. She has lost weight, stopped growing, been miserable. We introduced a new specialist to our lives last November, a respiratory specialist. He ordered a bronchoscopy and CT scan to be done of her lungs. The bronchoscopy is when they put a camera into her lungs to have a look .

So Thursday at 4.30 am we headed off to Brisbane. It was dark and cold. Chloe had been fasting since midnight and the rest of us had gobbled breakfast before she woke up and we didn't eat or drink in front of her till after the op. It is ultra traumatic to watch your child have an anaesthetic.

Anyway the results weren't great. Her lungs are full of mucous. In some parts the secretions are so thick they are like chewing gum. Her left lung has a partial collapse. She has bronchiectasis. That is widening of her airways. Basically saying lung damage. The plan. Intensive chest physio. New long term antibiotics. They will cost about $30 a week. Start immunoglobulins soon. Aim to hopefully prevent more damage. If not much improvement in 6 weeks, admission to hospital in Brisbane for 2 weeks for a "tune up". Gosh I hope that doesn't happen. Two little girls would be very sad having to be away from their best friend. Two grown ups also sad about it all.

So we are still a little numb...ok a whole lot numb. My head is spinning at the moment. We will be ok, I know that. We just need time to get our heads around it all.

The tears

That have never ever escaped in the presence of anyone except my husband escaped the other day ever so slightly when Chloe's respiratory dr told us what he discovered. I am not a public cryer...I don't like showing any sign of sadness to anyone. Stupid I know but I still do it.

I don't even want to write what he said. Maybe if I don't write it down it will go away. I owe some people some emails about what we now know but I don't know how to write the words. I am so tired and will come back and fill you in but for now sleep is really the only thing that may help.

She takes my breath away

We went away last weekend and had a lovely time. Jess was walking ahead of me and for a moment I had to remember she was mine. She tossed her hair over her shoulders with the self belief of a very loved girl. She is tall and gorgeous and she took my breath away. When did my first baby grow up to be such an amazing girl ?
At school there is a communication book. The teacher sends home a comment every week and we send one back.
Last week a relief teacher wrote the comment. This teacher has taught Jess many times over her first years at school and Jess adores her. The comment said "Jessica is always an absolute pleasure to have in class" Her teacher then worte "I agree" And my mummy heart was so so proud. All I want for my girls is to be nice people. Truly. To make great friends, believe in themselves and have the courage to be who they want to be.
Jessica is an absolute pleasure to parent too. Look she is no angel and she and I are too alike to not clash at times but she always has a smile and she has a heart of gold and I love her. She taught me how to be a mum and a much much better person. She takes my breath away daily.

Motherhood

Is a funny funny thing. I was washing up in the kitchen tonight and was then preparing Chloe's formula that keeps her alive. I then was reflecting on my feeding journey with the girls and laughing at the irony of it all.

With Jess I didn't know anyone else who was a mum. Well except for my mum of course...does that count ? The only people I knew who had children were in Perth. So I had these great breastfeeding plans. I wanted to feed till 6 months...I thought that was a great goal. Little did I know that this journey to motherhood led me to totally change my ideals next time around. So feeding was ok...just ok. I never loved it like I had read people did. I never had supply issues...quite the opposite actually. But I ended up with a severe post surgical infection and needed some antibiotics that weren't safe for a baby. So at 6 weeks I cried, walked into our bedroom and Greg fed our baby girl her bottle. And she drank it, loved it and that was the end for our breastfeeding journey. I now knew breastfeeding had some great things in it's favour. But I was ok with it all. I mean my baby got fed, I got better, the end. Jess gave up her bottle before she was one. It was all very easy.

Next time around I was much much wiser. I had been to playgroup and was surrounded by breastfeeders. Some of them extended breatfeeders as well. I knew a lot more as well about the amazing benefits of breastfeeding. My goal was 12 months now with the thought that I would keep feeding until this baby was ready to stop. Lesson learnt..don't try and preempt what your children are going to do. They will do the opposite :)

So Chloe is born and she is too sick to feed for a few days. Then she was sleepy. Then she lost too much weight. She had been so sick that was why. Then she didn't regain her birth weight. Then she got badly jaundiced. So that was investigated. Then it all started to fall to pieces. She fed CONSTANTLY. I knew that was not abnormal. Then the very unsettled baby came to live with us. She cried and refluxed and refluxed and refluxed some more. She was medicated for that with not a whole lot of improvement. To breastfeed was so important to me so we went to a day stay centre. Where they tried to tell me I should control cry my 2 month old. Not on your life. Not in our parenting manual . So the nurse tried to settle her. No luck. Sort of funny...my baby failed settling 101.

Then I noticed she was miserable after I had dairy. OK well I could cut it back. Then spicy foods..ok. Then she was just miserable. At 6 months we all got gastro and my supply dropped dramatically. I had a baby that didn't sleep for more than an hour, a 3 year old who was wondering who took her parents and replaced them with zombies. So I decided then that I had fought the good fight but it was time for formula.

Then our world fell apart. Unsettled baby turned into a very very sad and sick little girl. Finally I realised that maybe she had allergies. I mean I did so I guess she could. That same appt my GP said..look I have just been to a lecture on something called eosiniphilic esophagitis. Why don't you see this gastroenterolgist in Brisbane.

Gastro says yes I do think so..we will do an endoscopy, fast tracked an allergist appt from 18 month wait to 3 weeks. Saw a dietican who said "ah if you were breastfeeding I would suggest stopping" We started an elemental formula. Chloe settled, yes she does have EE, yes she has multiple food protien allergies and intolerances and she was reacting to everything through my breast milk.

funny now that I was so determined to breast feed and actually made my baby girl sicker. I am ok with that. Mother guilt is something I try NOT to embrace. But here we are and she is 5 and I am still making her formula...life has a way of making you laugh at yourself I think.

Old friends

I have lived in three towns in my life. Darwin was where I was born and where part of my heart will always be. There is something magical about the Far North of our country, where life really is at a much slower pace and where people really seem to relax. Also part of my heart belongs there as at 19 I spent a magic, mad, incredible three months surrounded by some amazing women and lots of alcohol was drunk and many many memories were made.
Then I lived about an hour out of Perth for 10 years. The really formative part of my life was here. I was 12 when we moved and 22 when I chose to leave for reasons best left alone for now. Some of my dearest friends still live there and I am sad that the distance between one side of our country and the other is still really so far.
My bestest friend in Perth is a man. No he was never my boyfriend...truly never. That concept astounded more than one person. He was like my big brother. He is our baby girl's godfather and that role is one he truly deserves. He is married with two children of his own. Anyway life means that we don't often get to chat. Time differences, busy schedules you know how it goes.
We had a long chat the other day and I was reminded how precious old friends are, especially when they know you so well. Only some people can tell you exactly how they feel and we can do that with each other. We used to want to change the world. Actually he was my big social justice inspiration. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been inside a juvenile detention centre to visit with the young people there. I wouldn't have had much of an idea about indigenous issues and I would never have protested at an American warship...(shh he may come in here and tell you that the two girls he took with him on this day actually didn't do so much protesting but did a lot of perving...don't believe him will you...) It is so nice to have a friend that knows your past, has seen you at your worst, and still likes you. Distance and time doesn't take that away. I am lucky.Thanks old friend. xx

The things they say

Parenting means you hear some of the most gorgeous things come out of your children's mouths (oh and some scary things too...) but too often I don't write them down and then forget them. Driving to get Jess from school this afternoon there was a loud noise outside the car. Chloe says "oh that gave me a frighten" Precious girl she is :)

Proud mummy bragging

I wanted a seperate entry to do my proud mumma thing.

Chloe has settled into preschool so well. She is actually one of the leaders, (good things do happen when you are one of the oldest after all) and she has lots of friends and she is happy and cherished there by the fantastic teachers. She is learning to read and like her big sister has taught herself some basic maths.

Jess is also doing brilliantly. She recieved a principals award for outstanding reading and comprehension. She is loving her extension classes and wrote a great story about a princess a couple of weeks ago. She also has lots of friends and has still maintained her friendship with her best friend Jemma despite the fact that since kindergarton they have been seperated for class time. Jem and Jess are in some ways polar opposites. Jess is tall, with striking brown eyes and really dark brown hair. Jemma is tiny, with striking blue eyes and blond hair. Jess is a rule follower, Jem a rule strecher :) Jem is the leader, Jess is a follower by nature.

My big girl

There are many mentions of my baby girl here but not too much about my big girl. She is equally as gorgeous, funny and precious as her little sister.
Last year was awful for Jess. Until then she had always been this easy going, incredibly happy child who drew no attention to herself but carried on happily regardless of what happened. Last year that changed. She was miserable, crying, had seperation anxiety, you name it, she had it. Never, even at developmentally appropriate stages did she have seperation anxiety. In the shops she was the smiling baby. She smiled at everyone.(then her sister came along and Chloe has perfected this death stare to strangers..polar opposites are my girls in many ways) So this was new for us, and very strange.
She hated school...also strange. She didn't want to be there, she refused to do homework, life was tough.
She had teacher problems. I think personality problems between her and her teacher. He didn't want to acknowledge there was a problem. We met him again and again with no help given. So we looked for help outside the school and saw a great psychologist who really helped us get things clear in our heads. Once she was involved school suddenly became more helpful. We needed some plans for this year put into place. School really worked out how to make this year better. The teacher from last year now teaches somewhere else.
And our happy girl is back :) All is good in my world when my girls are happy.

She has a lovely lovely teacher who Jess really likes. Jess is now being extended academically as well. There is quiet reading time in the class each day (my big girls idea of heaven, just like her mum) and she is thriving. No more nervous signs, no more tears, in fact on Fridays she says "I can't wait till Monday to go back to school". My heart is a lot lighter this year. The sunshiney smiley girl is back. My biggest princess is happy and laughing and loving learning. We are so so proud of what she coped with last year, soul strengthening and now we know we can cope with school issues.

The boss of the world

Well that is what Chloe thinks she is I think. She is so very funny about things. She also thinks that she can make the rules...

The other day Greg finished work a little early(like 4.45pm instead of 6pm) so he could actually spend proper time with the girls instead of just the bath/dinner/bed madness that exists in many houses all over the world. He drives into the driveway, Chloe runs into me and says "Mummy, Daddy's home to play with me". I said "sweetheart Daddy has just finished a long day of mowing lawns and he just needs to sit down for a while before he plays with you" She glares at me, rolls her eyes and says "No Mummy he already sat down when he was driving home, that's enough sitting, now it's playing time" How do you argue with that ??? Isn't childhood magical, when all you think you need to do is play ?

Our girls are very lucky, and so am I. Greg is a fantastic involved Dad who doesn't want to miss a moment of the childhood magic or madness. He got out of his ute, covered in dirt and grass, walked inside gave me a kiss and went out and played with the girls with no complaint.

Made us laugh

At dinner tonight Chloe made Greg and I laugh. We were talking about school. This is Jess's third year of school, Chloe has come along to do most drop offs and pick ups. She is aware that her sister goes to school 5 days a week. Well so we thought anyway. She says" Did you know some people go to school 5 days a week and stay there all day long, why would you ever do that"

I am not sure as to where she thinks Jess is from 9 till 3 each weekday :)

Just so you know

It does not get any easier for her to be sick as time goes on.

Just because she is used to feeling so awful it does not mean it isn't awful that she feels that way.

Giving your child lots of medication every day does not mean that adding a new one to the mix must be simple.

Yes she has had lots of blood tests. No she still hates it. It is not easier now she is older. When she was little it was easier. (I can't believe I just said that) Now she gets so so angry and I can't blame her. With each traumatic medical procedure it is harder and harder.

No we are not used to sleep deprevation. If we were then people world over would be used to it, and be fine with it. They're not and we're surely not. I don't think you ever ever can be. You now live in a foggy world where you hope that you make the right judgement call while you are utterly exausted.


We will not ever let her know this but with each new thing that happens to her our hearts are a little more broken. We are supposed to protect her and this is out of our hands. The cracks will heal over for sure, we are lucky, she is here and gorgeous and funny and precious, but the cracks once healed will leave tiny scars. This all makes it possible for us to fight the good fight for her but oh my goodess it is exausting and scary, each and every day right now .

High heels

No not mine....Here is a terrible confession...I am short...like quite short and I should love heels as they would make my height somewhat average. But I don't like heels, I am far far too uncoordinated to wear high heels. I lust after some womens shoes and the flair they show in wearing them...but the simple fact is that I would be the woman in heels who would walk into a place..and fall flat on her face. Even on my wedding day my shoes were kicked off. I blame my Darwin upbringing...we didn't wear shoes let alone ones with heels.

So this story of high heels belongs to my stylish 5 year old. At preschool her best friends are wearing high heels...yes sad to say one pair is higher than any I have owned. So as girls do Chloe is yearning for her own. Summer sales are on and high heels are on special. So off we went today, to go show shopping. We compared the glitter, the glam, and the plainer ones and now my daughter owns a pair of pink Barbie high heels....Aaah she will be a fun teenager. :)

Sorry...February 13th 2008

Today was an incredible milestone in Australia's history. I could go on about it but I think Kevin Rudd's words say more than enough. I will say today I am proud to be Australian. Here is what our Prime Minister said.

Today we honour the Indigenous peoples of this land, the oldest continuing cultures in human history.

We reflect on their past mistreatment.

We reflect in particular on the mistreatment of those who were Stolen Generations – this blemished chapter in our nation’s history.

The time has now come for the nation to turn a new page in Australia’s history by righting the wrongs of the past and so moving forward with confidence to the future.

We apologise for the laws and policies of successive Parliaments and governments that have inflicted profound grief, suffering and loss on these our fellow Australians.

We apologise especially for the removal of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children from their families, their communities and their country.

For the pain, suffering and hurt of these Stolen Generations, their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry.

To the mothers and fathers, the brothers and sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry.

And for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry.

We the Parliament of Australia respectfully request that this apology be received in the spirit in which it is offered as part of the healing of the nation.

For the future we take heart; resolving that this new page in the history of our great continent can now be written.

We today take this first step by acknowledging the past and laying claim to a future that embraces all Australian.

A future where this Parliament resolves that the injustices of the past must never, never happen again.

A future where we harness the determination of all Australians, Indigenous and non-Indigenous, to close the gap that lies between us in life expectancy, educational achievement and economic opportunity.

A future where we embrace the possibility of new solutions to enduring problems where old approaches have changed.

A future based on mutual respect, mutual resolve and mutual responsibility.

A future where all Australians, whatever their origins, are truly equal partners, with equal opportunities and with an equal stake in shaping the next chapter in the history of this great country.

Valentines Day

Gorgeous girls say gorgeous things :) Greg and I decided no presents for each other, we are so sleep deprived at the moment that anything that requires thought is bad news. But the girls decided that we should all give cards to each other which is mighty sweet. So I snuck into KMart and bought a cat card for Jess, a dog card for Chloe and a gerbra plant for Greg with three flowers, one for each of his girls (yes I know I know...)

Anyway at dinner time I gave them their cards from us and we all gave Greg his plant. After dinner Chloe disappeared into the toy room with shouted instructions of not to come in. She came back in with a beautiful love heart homemade card. She says "mummy this is for you as you were the only one who didn't get something at dinner time". Yes the mummy tears welled up and I once again realised that my life truly is great.

Rain

Rain, go away...please. The weather has such an influence on my feelings. I could never live in London, or even Melbourne as I NEED my sunshine (yes imagine me stomping my feet when I say that...I have had the world's best teachers...)

We have had more rain this year than I remember. And although I do love it, it's what pays our bills after all and I do welcome the lush green grass and the gorgeous green trees, I just wish it would stop for a little while.

I grew up in Darwin and have such fond memories of splashing in the puddles, running through the huge drops and being enveloped in the humidity that came before the monsoonal rains. Rain here is not quite like that. It is colder, and more dismal and just not so much fun. I remember moving to Perth and being away from my northern skies for the first time. That winter when I travelled to school and wore my uniform and tie and blazer and stockings, things that never were in my wardrobe previously, I came home one days with dripping wet stockings, shoes in hand and freezing cold feet. You can take the girl out of the Territory but you can't take the Territory out of the girl.

I wish for warm rain mixed with sunshine , I don't ask for much do I ???

Tantrums

Once upon a time I saw other people's children yelling and crying in public places and thought control them. I saw older kids misbehaving and thought, so undisciplined....I thought parents could control their children....

Then I became a parent and oh my goodness...guess what...my children are those children sometimes...To be honest I am lucky...My girls certainly know their own minds but big public tantrums are not their scene...normally. Why then does the two most public tantrums Chloe has ever had, have to have been at school picking up Jess. Oh my...the perfect mother brigade is out in force...their children never behave like that. Thanks to my friend though who knowingly looked at me, and said thank goodness my child isn't the only one who does it. Yes the empathy of motherhood is there...sometimes....I really am not fond of schoolyard politics at the best of times. I don't do large groups of women well...they scare me to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I have some great girlfriends but I don't do bitchy, and I don't do whingy (this blog shows otherwise I know) and I don't buy into the competitiveness that surrounds school. So I am probably ultrasensitive about tantrums at school. Hopefully never to be repeated hey :)

My poor neighbours

Their ears must hurt with the sound of my girls shrieking. Please tell me other people's children make as much noise as ours. Their volume control is permanently set on EXTRA loud. They play and their yells echo around the yard. Even when they are playing well they yell...and when they fight...oh my...even louder (who would have thought that was even possible) They go to sleep in seperate rooms and yell at each other....

I may complain but I do know..the only thing worse than the sound of noise is the sound of silence...no happy (or sad) children's voices...I am lucky to have so much noise. (But please, pass the wine, it is definately wine o'clock)

Hear that noise

It's the sound of my mummy heart breaking a little....

Chloe who is just 5...(imagine a little girl with big brown eyes, sandy blond coloured hair that curls up in the humidity, 1/2 part princess, 1/2 part monster and that is her) has some medical issues. I will fill you in on that later.
She has suddenly reached the part of hey this isn't fair, I am different and I hate it and hey I feel crappy so much of the time. She is angry, sad and so so scared and my mummy heart is breaking just a little. Mummies are supposed to be able to heal hurts with kisses and ice cream and hey ice cream is out as she would stop breathing :) and kisses don't quite cut it anymore either.
You know if I was a little girl and I had 5 specialists to call my own and I had to have allergy tests, blood tests, anaesthetics at times and was on a multitude of very necessary medications and couldn't eat (well except for rice and pears ) you know I would be pretty cranky too...
As an adult I would whine to my husband and reach for a scotch or chocolate or both and still feel sorry for myself and she can't do any of that.
So my baby girl princess....mummy is sorry she can't kiss away the hurt and I am sorry that I have to hold you down for the yucky things that ultimately help you. I love you so so much and am so amazingly proud of your fiesty strong spirit. You and your sister are our sunshine and we love you so.

Style

Onto something a little less serious....

My five year old has more style than me...sob sob....Really it is not hard and anyone who has known me long enough knows that I am not the girliest girl that has ever walked this earth. And now I live in a house full of pink and purple, and Barbies and Bratz (yes...I am "that" kind of mother) and fairy dresses and hair clips and shoes...plenty of shoes. Life has a funny way of making you laugh at yourself don't you think ?

Anyway Chloe is quite the princess. She also gets dirty, rides her bike too fast, holds worms and adores our dogs no matter how smelly they are. She is quite dog mad. In fact dogs outnumber dolls in her room. She has decided she wants a poodle...Of all the things I am, I am so so not a fan of small and yappie dogs. Give me a "real" dog anyday. Jess read in a book (and yes books are always right) that poodles can bite more than other dogs so she told Chloe that she doesn't want a poodle. I told Chloe I would never want a poodle. And little miss just turned 5 turns to me and says "I love poodles mummy because they have style." ( I tried to look serious as she was deadly serious.) She said "they have a wig on mummy (their long hair) and you can tie bows and ribbons on their hair and then mummy they are full of style." God help me when she is older. She matches her shoes and fills her hair with pretty clips and then goes and rolls around with the dogs. The joy of childhood...it makes my heart smile.

Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning at the moment. Drowning in the hopelessness that I can't escape. Drowning in the momentary realisation that I don't know what to do right now in my parenting journey.

Of all the things in the world I know I can do..one is certain. I am a good mother. I work really hard at being a good mother, and although I am human and do make mistakes I am pretty sure that my mistakes will not be remembered by my children. I laugh, I let them laugh, I pretend, I give them space, but security. Freedom but routine. Love..unconditional love. We don't smack and we don't go in for humiliation and punishment either. Until now I have felt good about what we do. but now, right now I could cry. I am floundering. I don't know what my heart says, and all my head says is that I am too tired to think.

Parenting a child with additional needs is bloody hard work. We chose to keep her home from school this year, and I think we have made the wrong decision. There....there lies the truth...Up until now my mummy heart has made the right choices and now I think we chose wrong.

Jealousy

The curse that it is.

I am jealous at the moment, jealous of people whose children can just go to school....jealous that all they have to worry about is if their child falls over or is called nasty names ( I do know this is serious by the way, please don't think I am saying it is insignificant). Jealous that all they have to do is to think of what they don't eat from their lunch boxes...My baby can't "just" go to school, she needs a certain amount of formula to sustain her, she could get so so sick from another child's lunchbox or illness...At the moment I am jealous...

But you know I am also grateful to be able to be jealous. I read another blog of a mummy who right now wishes she was sending her princess off to school but who is now an angel and I know I am lucky...so so so so so lucky...

There always is

Magic through the madness...Some days I really really need to remind myself to look for it...

The madness that is a house full of two gorgeous fiesty princesses, one nearly 8 and one just five. The house full of a man and woman who haven't slept a full night in....oh over 5 years....who try to be wife/husband/mother/father/son/daughter/small business owner/small business owners wife/parent of a child with medical issues/parent of a sibling of a child with medical issues/friend.

The magic that is the fact that through all of this...I am truly blest. We still laugh together every single day...And our children laugh too..sometimes at us, well mainly at their dad, but every day we share laughter and truly for that we are blest. The magic of two girls discovering the joy of being sisters. Who equally love and frustrate each other. The magic that is watching your child grow and knowing that time is fleeting and we need to cherish each and every precious (and not so precious) moment.