Looking back

I never really understood when people said they blocked out bad things from their memories. How do you do that ? Isn't it there anyway ?

Last year as I have said before Chloe had a thrombosis. A deep vein one. And I blocked out the memory of the day we discovered it. Blocked it right out as I realise now I couldn't handle the awful reality of what it meant.
The day we found out it was there, we needed to remove her PICC line ASAP. There could be no waiting. The NUM came down and told us what had to happen. At the time I thought it was nice she did (yes I am delusional at times) that she just wanted to make sure we were ok. We knew that it was there by this stage so that wasn't a shock, we discovered that a little earlier. It was nice she did, and I know she wanted to make sure we were ok, but she also knew the potential seriousness of it all. So Chloe was sedated through her drip, off to a wonderful land :) We were on the ward and in the treatment room. And there were 4 registered nurses, including the NUM and oxygen and resus equipment waiting. That was the bit I forgot. The bit where they needed to watch her O2 sats so closely as removing the line could have dislodged the clot.
All we cared about was getting rid of the line. I forgot the look of worry on the faces of the nurses who adore her. I forgot the looks they all exchanged as the line was removed. I forgot the fear that permeated the room we were in. I needed to forget it I now know. I needed to not look backwards with fear as then we had to begin anti coagulant treatment which all by itself was traumatic. I needed to concentrate on her, not on the could have beens. And the nurses did such an amazing job of staying calm. And for that, I thank them.
And you know, it was ok. And you know I will never ever take for granted my children's lives again. We were so lucky. And we had our own little timb bomb ticking there for 6 weeks, as that's how long it took for the clot to go.
And since then we are all a little jumpy. Chest pain (that goes hand in hand with chest infections ) always evokes the fear that there is another thrombosis. Sore leg...the same. Has it come back ? It may at anytime. We won't ever breathe so easily again about anything. But we will always treasure the moments as you never know when they will be taken away.